A Season For Change
Something has happened inside of me lately. I don't know if it is the
Christmas spirit or just a new gratitude for a life that I have been given. If
you knew me, you would probably wonder if I am a lunatic for I don't have much
materially.
This change didn't come overnight. I used to wonder if people really can change
but I am here to say they definitely can. Whether you believe in God, as I do,
or not, seeing is believing. I am a product of all that has happened to me, good
or bad. I believe we are all inherently good but sometimes life throws us for a
loop and it takes time to work it out, especially when addictions are present.
Old habits are indeed hard to break.
In my case, I had drank alcoholically for many years. I know for almost fifteen
years straight I drank daily from sun up to sundown, until I became physically
addicted and was sleeping a couple hours, waking up and drinking, then passing
out again. I got to the point that I couldn't distinguish between day and night.
I would go to bed with my 2 liter bottle of whiskey on my night table. By then I
wasn't even bothering to mix it. I drank beer as a chaser and wondered daily if
it would ever end. I wanted nothing more than death. I knew it would come
quietly and I would have no more pain.
This time of year was particularly hard for me. I had lost my children, if fact,
nobody in my family was speaking to me except my dad. I had no friends, they had
long ago left when I started getting violent at the least provocation. I was
alone, no, not quite. I had my only friend, my bottle.
Then I developed cirrhosis which was caused by not eating while consuming vast
amounts of alcohol daily. I had alcohol poisoning several times previously to
being diagnosed but that didn't sway me in the least. Unfortunately, cirrhosis
hurts. I turned green and lost control of all my bodily functions. I was
hospitalized and knew a peace I hadn't known in years. I thought I had been
given sedatives because it was such a beautiful, soothing feeling. My doctor
told me later that she expected to sign my death certificate. I wasn't supposed
to make it.
I know now that it was God who had come and stayed with me and I had no fear. I
wanted to die but He wasn't going to allow it. He had other plans.
It was as if the old proverbial light bulb flashed, it happened so suddenly! I
realized I wanted to live! With all my problems forgotten I knew I could do this
thing called life. It was a moment of clarity! I started praying like I never
had before!
I won't say my life changed immediately after that but it did start improving.
My body became stronger physically and mentally. I put myself on a health
regimen of exercise along with the right foods and vitamin supplements. I had
gotten down to 98 lbs. (I am 5' 5 1/2 in.) And I started slowly gaining weight.
When I went for my six months check-up, my doctor said she didn't know what I
was doing but to keep it up.
I became so healthy that my liver started functioning normally. Actually, I
gained too much weight and have a hard time even today keeping it off. I still
suffered from bouts of depression and realized I had a lot of anger still inside
me along with unforgiveness. I couldn't forgive me and still have some trouble
with that.
Today, as I look at my twinkling little Christmas tree, it is hard to imagine
that was me I am writing about. I feel so blessed every day God allows me to
have. He really does restore my soul. I am beginning to get my self respect
back. I see now that I have so much to be thankful for. Times when I feel down,
and it is hard sometimes, I think of all I have been given. I found hope when
there was none, I thought.
Isn't that what this time of year is all about? Hope? Anticipation of a brighter
tomorrow. This feeling must have come from down deep inside of me for I didn't
know it existed. It had been hidden for so many years right along with love,
faith and joy. I had none of those for I had no future. I simply lived in the
past and dwelled on things I was unable to change instead of trying to change
the things I could. I had to learn to accept my lot in life and find ways to be
happy with it.
I realize today that happiness is a choice. I can choose to be happy or I can
sit and dwell on the negative. I am learning to control my thoughts by thinking
of positive things and living in the moment. This comes with practice and I
still know I can't let my guard down and this all takes time. God didn't create
all this in one day. I know that my sense of time and His are vastly different.
I believe my entire lifetime is but a fleeting moment in spirit. I just wake up
every morning and do the things that need to be done in that day. I can't live
in yesterday because it is gone, or tomorrow, that hasn't even happened yet.
People are another problem entirely with me. I do get out and about more these
days and am beginning to actually enjoy myself. Shopping is a real thrill this
time of year. Even for those of us who don't have a lot of money to shop, it is
still good to go just to be around others who will sometimes take time to stop
and chat for a moment. God has sent me many angels I have met in unlikely places
like the city bus that otherwise I would have never seen.
I started early developing my Christmas spirit. I realize how much I have. My
friend Nelson came back into my life after almost thirty years. I still don't
have it all, however. My three children, whom I adore, are grown now and I have
a grandson by each but don't get to see them. Some of my family talks to me
though there are still some I may never have a relationship with but it is okay
with me today. My daddy who is 88 now, still loves his daughter and has always
done so. I appreciate him so much more now than ever. I keep my focus on the
positive.
I love Christmas carols and listen to them a lot. I find myself singing along
and just enjoying the feel of the season. I love all the sights, sounds and
smells that come with this time of year. I intend to relish each one. This is
the time we celebrate the birth of Christ and I intend to enjoy it! For many
years I didn't even look at the decorations I was so filled with hate and now
it's like seeing them for the very first time and I am, in a way. I've learned
it has nothing to do with what you get, it's what you give. I am finally able to
reach down inside and give the love that I so selfishly hoarded for so many
years. I am becoming able to share some of this joy I feel that I never thought
was possible. I am so thankful to my Savior for giving me this chance to live.
It is a daily learning experience. What comes easily to some as a child didn't
happen to me until I was middle aged. I believe that every little thing I went
through was for a reason. A lesson learned through strife is not easy to erase.
And, yes, I do believe in miracles.
Sharlett F. Hunt Sharlette863@aol.com