Down though the years there
have been some things that happened at church that were just funny and it don’t
matter how conservative you might be, there are times when you just have to
laugh. These are a few of the things that have caused chuckles and belly laugh
since I have been in the ministry.
I was preaching and I heard a strange noise? Snip,
snip, snip, what could it have been? On my left about four or five pews back
there was a lady that was just a little different mentally . She was an
extremely skinny woman and it was obvious she was poor, but friend she was
faithful, every time the church would meet you could count on this sister to be
in that same spot.
Now I want you to get this picture, she was sitting
with her foot on the pew and her bony knee was beside her head and the snip I
heard was her cutting her toenails while I was preaching! The sermon must have
been dry!!!
This same lady had a habit that was funny, she would
sit with her aged father and he had what we in the south call cow licks. That is
he had hair that would stand straight up unless plastered down with something.
One day I saw her spit in her palm and reach over and slap her dad on the head,
two or three times trying to fix his hair!
A lady came to the altar and one of the trained altar
workers came and kneeled down beside her and asked her, do you know where you
would go if you died right now? She answered, “Yes’um, Jones funeral home out on
de by-pass!”
A lesson I learned years ago was not to walk up and
down the pulpit steps while preaching if you have overeaten a meal of beans! I
want say more, but you can almost hear the punch line to this one! Yep, I did
and it was very loud and very embarrassing.
I was pastor of a small country church and we had a
family of slightly retarded folks that came very faithfully. There were three
boys in the family about one year apart in age and those boys had the biggest
ears I have ever seen on a child. I walked by and flipped one's ear with my
finger, just to play with him. When I walked to the front and turned around his
ear was still waving! True story folks, I almost died from laughing and could
not tell anyone why I was laughing.
It was the habit of my friend to let his wife take
their small son out to the bathroom, if necessary, during the service. If he
took the boy out it was to spank him.
One day she leaned over and told him to take the
little boy to the bathroom.
He picked his little boy up and just as he got to the
door to leave the chapel, the little boy yelled out, "Ya’ll pray for me!"
We had quite a few marines in our church down near
Camp Jejune marine base at Jacksonville North Carolina. Now if you have never
been around young marines, you don’t really know the definition of tough guys.
These were some fine young men in the peak of physical condition. One service, a
young marine came forward and I don’t really know what was wrong with him, but
he started to flop around on the altar like a chicken with its head chopped off.
I called two of our young
marines to deal with him. One of the young men is now an Lt, Colonel and a
Chaplain in the army, his name is Terry. As he started to try and speak with the
one that was flopping around he put his hand on the back of the young man's neck
and attempted to hold him still. Nothing doing, he could not hold him and
suddenly I saw and heard a loud thump. Brother Terry had slammed the young man's
head on the altar! Then brother Terry was able to pray with him and if I
remember correctly he led him to Jesus. This all took place in the morning
service.
Now the funny part was that evening at the service we
had a very good testimony service and this young marine stood and gave glory to
God for saving him and to brother Terry for his help in the process and then
just before he sat he said, "Pastor , ya’ll pray for me, I have had a terrible
headache all afternoon."
I went to a church for a trial sermon as a perspective
pastor and of course I took my entire family with me, all four kids. My daughter
was a lap baby then and was just beginning to talk so you could hardly
understand her. The deacon that took her out was a very sophisticated man and I
noticed that he was very upper class. My daughter stuck her finger in her nose
and said something to the man. He leaned over at to the child and said "What was
that honey?" She replied, "I got boogers!"
I did not get the church!
I attended a holiness type church with a friend, that
was having a revival.
If you have ever attended one of those down south
holiness churches, then you know that sometimes they get a little carried away
and will gather at the front of the church and jump and shout. This one old
fellow with a big stomach was jumping up and down and hollering Praise God, and
his pants fell around his ankles! He was wearing white boxers with big red spots
on them. It might not have been very spiritual, but I thought someone would have
to carry me out of the church, I was laughing too hard to walk.
If you have a funny story from church, send it to me,
please.
James Avery
jamesaveryfwb@embarqmail.com
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