"And you, fathers, DO NOT PROVOKE YOUR CHILDREN TO
WRATH, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." (Ephesians
6:4 NKJV)
Have you ever tried to have a relationship with someone you can't communicate
with? It's hard, isn't it?
The first step to good communication is having the ability to express yourself.
You want others to understand your thoughts, intentions, ideas, etc.
The second part is to understand what is being communicated. You need to be able
to comprehend what others are trying to express.
Communication breakdowns can occur in both of these areas. If you are not good
at expressing yourself, you will create communication breakdowns. If you are not
good at listening, or if your communication partner isn't good at expressing him
or herself, then communication breakdowns will also occur.
In my work as a Speech-Language Pathologist, I find that the problems many
people in our society have with communication are rooted in the fact that either
they have never learned to express themselves or they have never learned to
listen, or both. Many have never had anyone around who would listen to them or
encourage them to talk. Others have tried to express themselves in the past, but
every time they try to talk, someone cuts them off or tells them children should
be seen and not heard; or even worse, when they do try to express themselves,
their ideas were belittled and they were made to feel stupid.
How can we help the kids in our lives to communicate well with us, and even more
importantly, to communicate well in general?
First of all, we can help them by being a good example! As mentioned in earlier
devotionals, we need to stop what we're doing long enough to make time for
adequate communication, and we need to take the time to really listen to what
they are trying to tell us.
The second step is to encourage our children to talk freely. We need to provide
them with a communication atmosphere that is non-threatening. We need to
encourage them to express their ideas and opinions without belittling them. We
also need to keep our own opinions to ourselves sometimes.
You will find that if you listen, if you act interested in what your kids are
saying, if you ask pointed questions in order to ensure that you understand,
then you have created an environment that is ideal for communication to grow.
I do my best to spend "special" time with each of our boys every day, and I find
that this is an exercise that is looked forward to by all three of us. Often the
"special" time ends up centering around exercise, something that the three of us
enjoy. The only problem is, my younger son likes jogging (my sport of choice),
while the older one prefers biking or swimming. And due to time and weather
restraints, jogging is usually what we are able to do.
Now, my older son has tried to tell me that he doesn't prefer jogging, but my
usual response goes something like this:
"Oh, once you start, you'll be glad you came. Come on! It will be fun!"
"But it's cold!"
"No! It's not cold out there. It might feel it at first, but you'll warm up
quick!"
"But I don't feel like jogging, mom! I don't really like it, and besides, I'm
feeling tired today!"
"I know you are feeling tired today. Jogging is JUST the thing to work out the
fatigue!" Then I'll give him one of those "looks" -- the one that says "You're
just acting like a teen!", and I'll say, "You don't HAVE to go if you don't want
to. But I'll sure miss your company! After all, this is our special time
together!"
In the end, he usually goes, but it doesn't take a genius to see that an ideal,
safe communication hasn't happened! Instead, my son ends up feeling like what he
does and doesn't like is substandard and unimportant, that maybe he doesn't even
really know what he likes.
What if the above conversation were to go something like this?
"I know you don't prefer to go jogging. My only problem with biking today is
this: The dog hasn't had a run in two days. She can't go with us if we bike."
"Well, we could go biking now, and then when we get back, you could take her for
a short walk."
"Good suggestion, but I don't have the time to do both."
"I see your point. Why don't we ask Papa if he's going for a walk this morning.
He could take her with him."
In this scenario, both my own concerns and the concerns of my son are heard,
validated, and addressed. My son is allowed to do some problem solving, and the
exchange helps my son to know that his ideas and concerns are both valid and
important.
If we want to really communicate with the kids in our lives, we have to listen
to what they are telling us. We have to validate their feelings, their opinions,
and their desires.
But what if dad doesn't say "yes" to walking the dog? Here's what happened the
other day:
"Papa isn't going for a walk today, mom. Why don't I take the dog for a romp out
back, and maybe my brother can romp her this afternoon."
I looked over at his brother. "What do you think?"
"Okay!" was his response. "But it's really windy outside!"
My older son and I looked outside, and sure enough, it was far too windy for
biking.
"Oh!" he said. "Then I guess we don't have any choice but to go for a run! Let's
go!"
Communication. It will be the cornerstone of your upcoming relationship with
your children. Only when we have solid communication with our kids, when they
know that they can come to us at any time and tell us exactly how they are
feeling or what they are thinking, when they know that talking to us is a "safe"
thing to do, that it will make them feel better about themselves rather than
worse, then will we have laid the ground work for being able to shape their
developing minds and ideas.
Why not start today? Stop what you're doing and give them some of your time.
Watch to see where they are at, and then listen to them in a non-judgmental,
open way. Validate their ideas, thoughts and feelings. Make them feel like what
they have to say is important. Allow some guided problem solving. You will be
amazed at the results!
God bless each of you abundantly as you seek to guide the kids in your life in
the ways of the Lord!
Lyn Chaffart
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