"Therefore confess your sins to each other and
pray for each other so that you may be healed." (James 5:15)
I had just broken up a major argument between my two boys, but though the verbal
warfare was temporarily halted, the argument was far from over. "Okay," I said,
addressing one: "Go to your room and think about what YOU've done to cause this
fight!" Then turning to the other, I said: "You sit down right here and tell me
what YOU did!"
They look at me, their mouths hanging open, and they both had the same words on
their lips: "What I did??? But he . . ."
"Every argument has two sides. I want to know what YOU did wrong!" Then I turned
to the one at my side.
"But mom, he . . ."
"No! He'll tell me what he did. Besides, it's none of your business. What did
YOU do?"
It took a few minutes, but finally he said, "Well, maybe I shouldn't have hit
him . . . But mom! He . . ."
"No," I said. "What he did may have been very wrong, but that's his
responsibility. Nothing he did could ever merit you hitting him!"
A few minutes later, my other son confessed his part: "Maybe I should have let
him open the drawer . . ." Then he looked at his brother: "I'm sorry! I
shouldn't have been so selfish about the drawer!"
"And I shouldn't have hit you! I'm sorry!"
Peace and harmony restored.
Later that same evening, my husband and I got into a petty argument. Right in
the middle of the heat, about the time I ran off slamming the door, my oldest
son came to me.
"It's just your papa!" I growled through my tears of anger. "He refuses to see
things the way the rest of the world sees them!"
"Remember what you said this afternoon, mom? Remember you said that every
argument has two sides?"
I opened my mouth to disagree, but something twisted in my gut and my anger
melted. "You're right," I said, rather sheepishly. "I am focusing on him instead
of me, aren't I?"
My son grinned.
"Okay. Hum. Well, I did chose a time when he was focused on putting together
that chair. And I was pretty condescending. I mean, I started off by accusing
him. Not only did it make him mad, but it wasn't even true!" By now, my anger
had turned to shame. "I was wrong to get so angry at your dad. I was wrong to
criticize him."
"It's just like you said, mom!" Responded my son. "You have to focus on what you
did to cause the argument!"
I smiled and ruffled his hair, wondering just how far he would take this. "But
it was also wrong for papa to yell at me," I said, testing the waters.
"But two wrongs don't make a right?"
I hugged him. "You're so right. No matter what your papa may or may not have
done, my reaction was wrong, and as a result, this thing blew out of proportion!
If I hadn't done wrong on my side, maybe papa wouldn't have done wrong, either!
I think I need to tell your papa I'm sorry!"
And then I went out to find my husband, and when I did, I started off by
admitting I was wrong. Forgiveness flowed, peace was restored, end of story.
Admitting you are wrong.
It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do in life; yet not only is it one of
the most important lessons you'll ever learn, but it's also one of the most
important lessons you'll ever teach the children in your life. The only problem
is, you can't teach them to admit they are wrong unless you are also willing to
model the behavior!
"But," you say, "if I admit to my kids that I'm wrong, then I'll lose
credibility with them!"
Yes, that's how we all think. But remember this: Though you may not ADMIT that
you're wrong, your kids will SEE that you're wrong, and they will label it for
what it is: hypocrisy. The message that they get is this: "It's okay to tell
others to correct their behavior, but you don't have to do it yourself!"
"But," you argue, "my kids won't know the difference!"
And you may be right. But they will remember. And the next time you try to shape
their behavior about a similar issue, they will see the discrepancy. The message
you give them is that "This rule is only for kids. When you're old enough to
enforce the rules, you don't have to follow them!"
Admitting you are wrong teaches your kids that we all make mistakes, but when we
do, the outcome will be better if we own up to them. The message they receive is
that you understand mistake-making, and they can come to you for advice with
their own mistakes. They also learn that it isn't the mistake that determines
future outcomes; it's what they do about them!
Friends, the point is this: One of the most responsible things we can teach the
children in our lives is to admit they are wrong. This little strategy goes a
long ways towards diffusing an argument, no matter how long it's been going on,
no matter how fierce it has become. But they will never learn to do so unless
you model the behavior. The children won't think less of you. In fact, they will
see you as a human being, just like they are. They will realize that it's human
to err, but with God's help, those errors can be turned into victories. And
because they see you as human, too, they will be much more apt to come to you
for advice when they, themselves, have made mistakes. So the next time you make
a mistake, bite the bullet. Own up to it, and then set about making it right!
God bless each of you abundantly as you seek to guide the kids in your life in
the ways of the Lord!
Lyn Chaffart
The Illustrator: This daily newsletter is dedicated to encouraging
everyone to look towards Jesus as the source of all the solutions to our
problems. It contains a daily inspirational story, a Bible verse and encouraging
messages. HTML and plain text versions available.
The Nugget: Published three times a week, this newsletter features inspirational devotionals and mini-sermons dedicated to drawing mankind closer to each other and to Christ.