"But you're not being fair, mom!"
How many times haven't we all heard THAT statement!
What about this one? "Yesterday you let me! Why can't I today???"
And here's my all-time favorite: "But dad said I could!"
Over the last few weeks, we've seen how important it is to help our children
learn to trust -- others, as well as God! We've seen that in order to teach them
to trust, we need to be trustworthy ourselves. We need to lead exemplary lives,
trusting God first and foremost, and we need to keep our promises. There is one
more vital part of trust building that must be addressed: Consistency!
Consistency is a must when you are dealing with children. If your answer is
"yes" today, but "no" tomorrow, then it will be perceived as being inconsistent
and you will lose credibility and trust. If we are tolerant one day and
intolerant the next, the children in our lives will not know what to expect.
They won't understand why it was "okay" yesterday, but it isn't "okay" today.
Then there's the interfamilial consistency that we need to consider as well. If
you say "yes", but dad says "no", then one of you will be labelled "cool" and
the other "uncool". And if you allow something that the other parent does not
allow, then you will be teaching them that they don't need to respect and obey
the other parent.
It all makes perfect sense, doesn't it? The only problem is that we all know
that consistency is far easier on paper than it is in real life! Why? Because
there will be times when it's okay to say "yes", while there will be other times
when it's better to say "no". There will be days when you are feeling more
tolerant than others. And we all know that parents always have different ideas
about things, and interfamilial inconsistency is the norm rather than the
exception. So what do we do?
Here are just a few suggestions that have worked in my home. I only pray that
they will spark some ideas in your own home that will help you to be more
consistent in your parenting.
1. Always have a good reason for your actions, especially if they might be
interpreted as "inconsistent". Be sure to share your reasons with your child.
(Please join us for the upcoming devotional, Bringing Up Kids God's Way, Part 8,
for more on the importance of explaining yourself.)
2. Make it a habit of being open with your kids. If the banging on the piano was
okay yesterday, but today you have a splitting headache and can't tolerate it,
then sit down with them and explain yourself. But don't just say: "Stop it! I've
got a headache!" More appropriate would be something like this: "I am really
happy to see you playing the piano! You're going to make a good musician some
day, especially the way you are so diligent about practicing! But I have a
really bad headache today. Have you ever had a headache? Where you feel like
something is trying to pound your brains against your skull to make mashed
potatoes out of them? Well, that's how my head feels today, and any little noise
is just making it pound harder. Do you think you could find something quiet to
do for a little while, and save your piano practice for when my head feels
better?"
3. In the case where one parent says "yes" and the other says "no", you need to
choose your battles carefully. If this is a habitual pattern, perhaps you and
your spouse need to have a serious chat. And if you can't get them to see things
your way, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the way you see them-re-evaluate your
own reasons.
There are times when I've taken my kids aside and talked with them. "I know your
dad said it was okay to do that, despite the fact that I told you not to. I
haven't had a chance to sit down and talk with him about why I said "no", so I
don't think he sees the whole picture. But I really believe that this time, it
really isn't for the best that you go out and play in the woods, and here are my
reasons: First of all, you only have fifteen minutes before we have to leave for
Michael's birthday party. It's not really enough time. Secondly, it's been
raining and you'll get all muddy. Again, no time to change your clothes.
Finally, it turned really cold since the last time you were outside, and both of
you are just getting over colds. Now, after hearing all of this, what do you
think you should do?"
Other times, I've said, "I said you couldn't go out into the woods today, but
your dad says it's okay. I didn't want you to go because of the mosquitoes
today, but he reminded me that you've been working hard all day and getting out
of the house would do you good. I see his point. So go ahead, but don't forget
to put on the mosquito repellent!"
The point I am trying to make is this: Consistency is very important. It helps
to build credibility, it helps your kids to know they can always turn to you,
and it helps them build trust in you.
There will be times when you just cannot be consistent. In these times, be
prepared to discuss your reasons and explain yourself. When you do so, your
children will understand the reason for the inconsistency, and in many cases,
will agree with your decisions.
God bless each of you as you strive to lead the children in your lives in the
ways of the Lord!
Lyn Chaffart
The Illustrator: This daily newsletter is dedicated to encouraging
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