In Trust Issues, Part i, we looked at the
importance of trust in a relationship with your kids, and we discovered that one
way to establish that trust is to keep your promises. This isn't always an easy
thing to do, however. I'd like to propose a simple 6 step plan for avoiding
conflict with promises:
1. Don't make a promise unless you are 100% sure you can follow through.
This may mean you have to take the time to think the promise through thoroughly
before you make it. Try to think of any possible thing that could arise to keep
you from keeping that promise, and if there are any "ifs", then make sure your
promise is conditional: "I promise we'll go to the park this afternoon, as long
as I don't get called into work!"
2. If you can't make the promise because you aren't sure, then be prepared to
share your reasons for NOT promising.
My boys and I hand raise baby birds. A couple of years ago, I promised my boys
we could spend one of the last days of the school year at a local amusement
park. They, of course, wanted me to pinpoint a date. I would have loved to have
done just that, but some of our birds were starting to go to nest. I knew that
during the three week period that the baby birds needed to be fed, we wouldn't
be free to spend the day at the amusement park. Not knowing exactly when we
would have babies, I didn't feel free to commit to an exact date. What I did do,
however, was I sat down with them and explained my concerns. They understood,
and they stopped pressuring me to commit to a date.
It will happen that you don't always have all the facts, and when it does, it's
better to NOT make the promise. In order to help your kids understand why you
can't make the promise, however, it becomes necessary to explain yourself.
(Please join us for the upcoming devotional, Bringing Up Kids God's Way, Part 8,
for more on the importance of explaining yourself.)
3. If something arises that you can't keep the promise you already made, be
prepared to share your reasons for NOT keeping that promise.
A few years ago, I promised my kids early in the week that we would go sledding
on Friday. Thursday night rolled around, and with it a snowstorm. Fresh snow on
the sledding hills meant better sledding! It wasn't until we were ready to leave
that I remembered my handicapped mother. A snow-filled driveway meant she was
stuck at home. There wouldn't be time for both sledding and shovelling. I would
have to break my promise. I sat down with my boys and explained the situation.
After hearing my reasons, they both said, "We'll have to go sledding another
time. Grams needs to be able to get out of her driveway!" As it turned out, they
pitched in and helped me clean the driveway in record time. In the end, there
was time for both.
Always remember that children understand more than we give them credit for. When
you sit down with them and openly explain the reasons why you cannot keep your
promise, it will go a long ways towards helping them to understand.
4. Be prepared to try and see things from your child's point of view.
When you see the need either to not make a promise or to break one you've
already made, and you sit down and explain your reasons to your kids, be
prepared that they may not see things your way. When this happens, make an
effort to try and see things from their point of view, and if you can do so
without compromising your own, take their ideas into consideration!
Back when we were homeschooling, we made an effort every Friday to attend a
local homeschool support group. The commencement time was 1:00 p.m., and we
would often stop at a local diner for lunch before going. And this is what I had
promised my boys we would do one week. The only problem was our morning school
work took longer than usual to complete. By the time we were finished, I knew
there wouldn't be time to go out for lunch! I sat down with my boys and
explained to them why we would have to have lunch at home. Needless to say, they
didn't understand! "But mom, you promised! Can't we skip homeschool group for
once?" Suddenly I saw it from their point of view. Going out to lunch was more
important than homeschool group! We went out for lunch. Peace was restored.
5. Admit to yourself your real reasons for not complying and be prepared to
evaluate their validity.
Remember: "An honest answer is like a warm hug." (Prov 24:26 The Message)
My older son loves to swim. He was on the swim team at his high school until
recently, and he desires to continue swimming regularly so as to be ready for
the swim team in the upcoming school year. Earlier last week I promised him I
would take him to the pool on Saturday. However, when Saturday rolled around, I
was in the middle of preparing my living room to be painted. The last thing I
wanted to do was to drop everything and take him to the pool! I proceeded to
explain to him that I was too busy to take him to the pool, but when I saw his
face fall, I realized that my reasons likely sounded pretty selfish to him. And
when I thought about it, they sounded pretty selfish to me as well! In the end,
we went to the pool, and when we got back, my son surprised me by helping me
finish preparing the living room. With a little honesty, the problem was
resolved!
6. If you don't have a valid reason for not doing so, KEEP THAT PROMISE!
Once you've established yourself as one who keeps your promises, you'll find
that your children will be much more likely to see you as someone they can
trust, as someone they can come to when they need something, as someone they can
come to when they are having problems. And, most importantly, when you try to
teach them that God keeps all of His promises, they will believe you.
God bless you as you bring your children and grandchildren up in the Lord.
Lyn Chaffart
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