Having been raised/programmed with all the principals of a virtuous woman,
Granny also lived in our home (a survivor of the Great Depression).
Additionally, with four siblings, eight to nine people lived in our house at any
given time. Parents being in mission work, we were also the 'home away from
home' for uncounted numbers of people and missionaries.
Every which way I turned, there were lessons on being frugal - for which, funds
always stretched just a little further. Also being first born, I was the closest
to a big brother there was in our home. It seemed normal to carry over roles of
caretaking/protector responsibilities into adult life. Neither did it help that
the man I married came from a well-to-do family, for which we would not be
accepted due to our financial standing.
Having already come through an abusive relationship, I concluded that if I just
did all the right things, I'd never have to live like that again. Unknowingly, I
placed myself in captivity to legalism.
Thus, from a variety of sources and pressures, I became a work-aholic. Religious
training didn't afford the option of working outside the home. But, it did
provide perhaps every feasible thing imaginable to save or make money while at
home.
Among feats of putting in 16 hrs. per day for 16 yrs; I was a foster parent to
12 children, a piano teacher, a baby-sitter, a professional rebater, groceries
were not bought without a double coupon (stores hated to see me coming and I
hated going - $369 worth of groceries for $53 & then to come home and match
rebates was more work than any laundry day I ever saw). I held yard sales, sold
craft items, even collected people's left over rummage. Being an idea person,
there was no end of ways on how to turn nickels into dimes. If my husband so
much as bought a 10 cent candy bar, he was dead meat - as 'spending money' just
wasn't there.
I could keep a column going on how to make a Kleenex last for two uses; how to
reuse scrap paper; how to make your own Christmas post cards and name tags; how
to use your talents to never have to buy presents again; and, what to do with
most every piece of trash - besides trash it (to name a few).
In spite of the recession, in every way, we appeared to have 3 times our income.
It was impossible to make a budget with funds that weren't there and no one was
the wiser. Through the years, what seemed never ending was being slammed
(financially and otherwise) to such a degree that - before we could get up from
one crisis, another would hit. And, no matter what image we could portray, it
was never enough to become worthy in my husband's family's eyes.
Then came the day a friend, from our church, offered to do some remodeling for
us. He needed the money, and we could get projects done due to the cheep rate he
offered. We'd also seen that he was capable of doing good work.
It was a long story that ended with the interior of our house looking like a
construction demolition sight, leaving us; $30,000 in debt for mostly destroyed
materials, with an estimate of $240,000 in repairs and replacements, attorneys
who wanted our case but said 'you can't get blood our of a turnip', an insurance
agent and an insurance adjuster who lied & bailed on us, and an unsafe house to
live in. In addition, my husband's 15 yr. Job was going down the tubes due to
the administration's theft of funds. Income, hours, and benefits were being cut
left and right. It wasn't even possible to file bankruptcy, as we couldn't
afford the price of rent.
The hurt was much deeper than material things. It attacked my identity, took
away my cover for a low self-esteem, and left me feeling broken and defiled that
such a person we'd cared for, ministered to, and helped had done such a thing.
16 yrs. Of labor was gone. I was 16 yrs. Older than when we began. Being
emotionally beyond spent, I just couldn't do it again. I would have been
institutionalized before I'd have gotten up to try just one more time. Finally
completely defeated (I guess it takes more to bring down the strong), there was
nothing left to do but get on my knees and ask God to give me something to hang
on to - as there was nothing left inside of me. I couldn't hang on any more.
God took me down memory lane, reminding me of past experiences ... how we got
married anyway, not having found a place we could afford to rent and how God had
provided a nice place (based upon our income) within two weeks thereafter ...
how when we moved to another state and couldn't find a place to rent that would
allow children, he made a way for us to purchase a house we wouldn't have
thought we could afford (sellers even helped finance the closing) ... how when
we moved into houses that still echoed once we moved in - God filled them. God
promised there would be another house, bigger still yet, and that He would do
that for us again.
Always knowing in my head that we couldn't even breathe without God, I had found
it difficult to give God all the credit in my heart - being that I'd worked
sooooo hard! I saw how God had been there when I hadn't recognized it as Him.
And, I believed Him when He said He would do it again. (After all, God had a
good track record.) So, this time, I did an about face and decided to let Him do
it. All along, I'd been carrying a weight that wasn't mine to carry and I was
finally giving it back to God. No more ideas, at all. I didn't want that load
anymore!!!
With that promised and settled in my heart, suddenly anger overwhelmed me. Once
before, already being active in church, the question had come to mind, "What
does Satan think we would do if he just left us alone? What is he so afraid of
that he just keeps picking on us?" I didn't know the answer but determined I was
going to find out and get even. I would take care of God's business and let Him
take care of mine. Whatever God had showed me to do, that I'd put off to a
better day - I would do. Whatever, God showed me to do now - I would do.
Whatever God showed me to do next, I would do. I would do, and do, and do, and
do until I found what Satan was so afraid of. And, when I found it, I would do
it. Then, Satan would be sorry he ever messed with me!
Suddenly I realized that nothing I'd ever learned in any church, great or small,
had taught me how to overcome these battles. When attempting to seek council
from those thought to be spiritual, I would be shunned. In time, I came to
understand that they didn't know the answers. Thus, I'd learned to suffer such
attacks from Satan silently. Verses preached hadn't worked either. They must not
mean what people think they mean. Evidently, only God knows how to defeat Satan.
I determined that if I sought God's will and instruction on every given matter,
it would be impossible to fail - as Satan can't defeat God. Therefore, I decided
to erase my training and start over (as a little child, ye must be born again to
enter the Kingdom of God) and bring my every question to God.
(I know that's not the way man teaches it - but follow on.)
The law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did, by which
we draw nigh unto God.
When verses spoke to me, THEN that was God speaking. And since man's
interpretation didn't work, I would research God's word for definition of those
words ... soon learning that God is His own best commentator.
Having begun seeing the Bible in a new way, I'd search like a detective, looking
for How-To's (calling them "Master's Tools"). There's a promise of God's Word
not returning void. So, whenever we'd be advertising a program or church event,
I'd look for a supporting verse to use in the advertisement.
Then, without proper tools to find a verse I needed, I spent two weeks, 14 hrs.
per day, searching. I couldn't give up, as that would mean Satan had won. God
promises if we seek Him with our whole heart, He'll reveal Himself to us.
Suddenly the Bible came to life! I could both hear and feel the words! For the
first time, I understood the Bible! It spoke to me in my language!!!
For the next several months, I wouldn't put God's word down. There where so many
promises, Master's tools, and lessons to be learned - all over the place!
It was so neat!!! God's instruction works! Whatever big or little that I sought
God's will on, He blessed! I learned the real meaning of "except the Lord build
the house, those who build are laboring in vain - to not take the name of the
Lord in vain." I also learned to let Him build mine. God provided and continued
to provide tools for me to find deeper things in the Bible, as I was ready to
receive them.
In the process of learning forgiveness at a level few have ever known, I came to
realize that I was responsible for what happened to my house, that I hadn't
sought God's will on it first. God also taught me to know when to hold 'em and
know when to fold 'em in terms of being manipulated by people who take
advantage. Seeking God in all things became my choice - as only God knows where
Satan will be lurking next. Step by step, letting go of things I had been doing
to keep financially afloat, I began taking God with me to the grocery store &
wherever else I went.
The MOST wonderful thing, in addition to all the things I continued to learn, is
this. I grew in a personal relationship, a moment by moment walk with God,
engulfed in His love ... and finally came to terms in that I was already
accepted by God the moment I received Him into my heart. I am royalty, an heir
to the throne, a child of the KING!
In regard to finances, I later realized that Satan had been steeling from us all
through the years - even in areas I hadn't recognized. Having once given myself
too much credit as perhaps one of the most prepared for being frugal in the
world, there were areas I hadn't even seen. Only God can defeat Satan every
time!
It took 3 mos. Just to clean up the construction mess enough for our house to be
safe, though it never got repaired. God gave my husband a new job (at 3 times
our income) (at the very same company who'd promised him employment 15 yrs.
Earlier) and made provisions for finances to get straightened out - one step at
a time. However, we ran into obstacles every time we attempted to thereafter
hire help & not wanting to start another project without God's blessings,
restored finances just got saved instead.
Additionally, just before God replaced lost inheritance and other things that
had been stolen from us, He gave me this verse. "And I will restore to you the
years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the
palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. Joel 2:25" I had no idea what
any part of that verse meant at that time. But, I knew God had just promised to
replace ALL that Satan had stolen from us throughout the years. Tears flowed
with Joy at the awesome love of God! It was more than I'd hoped for and more of
God than I had ever dared dream.
It has been 7 years since this part of my spiritual journey began. We've been
free of financial bondage for a very long time now. And if not really that long,
perhaps the memory has faded. God answered me in the joy of my heart. He set me
free! I haven't seen anything since that was enough temptation to ever go in
debt again. And, the growth with God has been wonderful! As painful as the
transition was, it was well worth getting to know Him in a more personal way.
The house God promised, that day on my knees, we recently paid cash for (paid in
full). Not only did we get three times our income, but again we live in a house
that is three times greater than our income would afford & is more than we ever
expected to have in our lifetime, only by the grace of God! Over 3,300 sq. ft.,
I have no doubt but what God will fill it again. God was more interested in
cleaning the inside of the cup first - making it healthy and whole. And when
that's done, He owns it all!!!
Having learned appreciation for the verse "he learned obedience by the things he
suffered" ... when our thoughts aren't lined up with who God is and His perfect
will, we're not in our right mind. Everything God asks of us will prove to be
for our benefit, every hard lesson learned will turn to glory. The battles are
in the mind. To take Satan by force and get our mind back, we have to start all
over and come as a little child. The greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven are the
children. In all things, God is our strength and OUR GOD REIGNS!
May you find the Peace that only He can give.
In His name,
© by Joyce C. Lock Lock dalox@comteck.com
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake
shall find it. Matthew 10:39
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