God How Can You Use Me in the Condition I'm In?
"God how can you use me in the condition I'm in?" I have asked that question
more than once in my life.
It was a hot summer day; I tried filling it to capacity. Despite being a young
mother of four active children I still found time that morning to take in a
round of golf with the girls. The afternoon was spent with my kids at the local
recreation club we belonged. I worked at perfecting my diving skills while the
kids splashed and played, soaking up the sun's penetrating rays. The late
afternoon and evening, we spent at the ball field where our oldest son played
Little League baseball.
I noticed dizziness and a blurring of my vision but brushed it off thinking I
had just over done in the heat of the day. Over the next weeks the symptoms only
worsened and I was hospitalized and given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.
That conclusion was reached over thirty years ago. I was less than happy with
the verdict but did not let it defeat me. I have never really blamed anything or
anyone for the sentence that was doled out to me that day. I did question what
the revenge of such a disease would mostly mean and what were my options for
treatment. I then decided to live my life the best I could in spite of the
likely conclusions I was apt to face.
I have never been able to understand how people can blame God turning against
Him blaming Him for the misfortunes that come to their lives. It's in the
valleys of my life that I need God the most. He is where I draw my strength. I'm
not saying I have never called out asking Him "Why?" That is only human nature
and I am sure God understands our anguish; after all Jesus called out as He hung
on the cross, " My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?"
I've always taken my circumstances pretty much in stride. I've cried of course
and wished things were different. I've mourned for the way things use to be, but
I've gone on the best that I could, doing most of the things that I wanted using
first one aide and then another. I've been down and depressed at times I can't
deny that. I've been scared to death of what tomorrow might hold and I still
have those fears to this day. My biggest fear is that I may become a burden to
my love ones. I fear to some extent I already have. Being a very independent
person before my illness, dependence on another has always been my biggest
concern.
Through the years I have had some bad times; I seen more and more of my
abilities wane from me. MS has tried to suck the very essences of who I am. I
have lived with numbness for years; I have experienced blurred and double
vision. Pain as been a part of my persona and medications has almost doubled my
size. Medicines have weakened my bones; falls have resulted in painful breaks.
My unsteady walk gave in to the use of a cane, then two canes, then a wheelchair
on occasions, then to the full time use of a three wheel motorized scooter. I no
longer drive a car and depend on others to take me to the places I want to go. I
have been so tired and weak at times I just wanted to die. Besides physical
problems I have experienced family problems, financial and business problems.
Like everyone else I have faced my share of adversities.
My husband and family have always been there for me, yet they have not always
understood. The doctors even do not realize the extent of difficulties and
suffering MS people deal with. Through all of my hardships and trials though,
there has always been someone beside me that I could count on, that is Jesus
Christ my Lord and Savior. He knows of my afflictions, He suffered far more than
I. He realizes my distress when others fail to understand for He too was
misunderstood.
I have prayed for God to keep me on my feet; I didn't have to resort to my
three-wheel scooter until my children were all raised, that was a blessing and
an answer to prayer. I have prayed for a healing; I've prayed for the ability to
rise above this disease to endure it, to witness in spite of it. I have asked
Him time in time again, "How can you use me in the condition I'm in?" It has
then been He directs me to this passage in the Bible:
2 Corinthians Chapter 12 verses 7 through 10 in the Living Bible, it reads:
Because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be
puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in
my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me, and pick my pride. Three
times I begged God to make me well again.
Each time he said, No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows
up best in weak people. Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to
be a living demonstration of Christ power, instead of showing off my own power
and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about
insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I
am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on him.
I am no saint, just ask my husband! But because of Christ in my life and His
walking beside me, carrying me at times, I'm able to hold my head high and
continue on. I have not always been someone God could be proud of; I've not
always been proud of myself. But because of God's goodness and His love and
forgiveness and His strength I can face whatever may lie before me. I pray that
through the sickness I must endure and the weakness that grips me, that He may
be seen in my spirit and that the love I have for Him may spill over to those my
life touches. For without Him I am nothing; with Him I am everything He wants me
to be. When I am weak, then he is strong; the less I have, the more I depend on
Him. My prayer now is, "God use me in whatever condition I'm in."
Betty King copyright 2001 baking2@ms.com