Struggling for Faith
Ps 120:1 "I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me." NIV
I was in a relationship for 6 years and my x partner left me and started a
new life with someone else. And I was lost. The person didn’t even explain why
he didn’t want me in his life and just vanished. I suffered a lot
... My world turned out to be grey. I had no more joy
in my life, I had anger on my heart, I hated him so much ( I actually didn’t.
I was hurt because he left me and he was with someone
else). Thoughts of suicide came to my head, I felt I
wasn’t worthy anymore. I was angry at God.
Because I have been praying for my x partner a lot during these
6 years, I did many novenas ...
and after all this, I said to myself,
God still took him away from me?
I couldn’t pray and I had the same bad thoughts “Why
should I pray if God knows already what’s going to
happen?
I struggled a lot to get my faith back, I would somehow start praying and
something would just say "Why
should you waste your time?" and this is a fact. I
will literally say it loud and it still hurts me whenever I think of that, of
how I turned against my Saviour out of anger.
My wounds are still open of course because you do not stop loving someone in one
day or a month or a year when you really loved someone, but little by little I
realized that I shouldn’t give up and that I should always remember to ask
God to make me accept the things that I can’t change
and also to have the serenity to change the things that I can and to have the
wisdom to know the difference. So I offered my small sufferings to Jesus who
died for me on the cross.
I trusted in him and I knew He
would help me to pull through this.
Isn’t it a blessing to have God listening to us and comforting us.
Yet yes so many times tears keep falling and I asked
God why? It’s the devil that played with my head, but I see it in this way today:
God gave us free will and He tries
to make things work out for us in all possible ways He
can and sometimes when He sees that we are being blind
in a relationship and that the other one isn’t doing any good for us,
He does give us signs which we ignore. So
He then has to do something
so He intervenes for our own good.
We don’t seem to see that at that particular moment because we are so hurt.
We have our heart crying blood tears, our head constantly telling us we
could have done something better and we are the guilty ones.
We can’t see the truth, we just want that person back.
So we doubt God. We let the devil come to us
and make us weaker than ever.
Didn’t Satan dare God by saying
"I will make your own creations follow me"? So we do
give the power to Satan at that time. But it’s Ok to fall down and let Jesus
call our names.
He is the comforter and He understands our feelings
and still doesn’t give up on us and He sure forgives
us ... He does
it all the time.
Love is not supposed to hurt.
Love is beautiful and if the person who we love so
much, doesn’t love us back, we have to let
him go and we should keep praying to God to give us
strength to regain control of our life.
Two prayer warriors at Answers2Prayer helped me a lot
through my tough times and yes I do feel for that gentleman but
I shouldn’t give up on Jesus
.
These prayer warriors can tell you how many times
it played on me, how many times, I kept being tempted
... but these prayer warriors didn’t give up on
me and I couldn’t give up on Him either.
I still have some pain on my heart of course but I try to accept
it and tell God that I know He
is at work for me.
And more signs keep coming to me. I started praying
the rosary of the Holy Virgin Mary and I find more websites to understand about
how God works.
And what touched me the most to actually fall on a website how Virgin Mary
suffers whenever we forget how Jesus took all the pain and suffered in silence
for us.
And we today we doubt him the Father
... how can we do that?
I suggest to many who read this
or even see the movie of ST Rita or Padre Pio ...
it helped me a lot.
And I always say to myself if Satan didn’t get scared to try to tempt our lord
Jesus, who are we to Satan??? We who are so full of sin and can be easily
tempted.
Just remember that ... Keep the faith!
When the sun shines, it shines for everyone and God suffers as much as we do
when we are in pain.
I had to share that because one of these prayer warriors
did ask me to do it and I guess at that time, I wasn’t ready but now I am.
I believe that God loves me more than anything and
actually prevents me from being sad for the rest of my
life.
Maybe I will stay single all my life, but I am sure God has a good reason for
it.
I have no right to ask why but to accept His good
will.
Till the time we meet again in Heaven, I will gladly
keep carrying my cross for Jesus.
Whenever I collapse I just remember that
“The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect
you:)"
“The problem with many of us is that we don't believe that God will open a
window and pour out blessings that we won't have room to receive them. I dare
anyone to try God. He is true to His word. God cannot lie and His promises are
sure.”
Thank you to these two prayer warriors at Answers2Prayer.
They were angels sent to me in a moment
of despair ... I will keep
praying for you.
May God protect you and may you be blessed always. Xxx
Pascaline
pascaline@circleadv.com