Understanding must be difficult for me, as my lessons have been hard. Come to
think of it, my heart has always been what got me in trouble. But, one lesson
stands out in particular, today.
My granddaughter, at 5 lbs. And 2 weeks of age, was quietly deposited into my
arms. I thought it was for the evening. Only, it lasted for 3 years.
I will tell you that I tried desperately to remember that I was her
mother-once-removed. I was her grandmother. Over and over, I said, "Remember,
she is not your child."
But, what do you do when a baby is there 24/7, when you do the midnight bottle
and change the diapers, sing the go-to sleep lullaby, and kiss the tiny tears?
Unless you are heartless, you fall in love, platonic love (the best kind), for
such a helpless little soul. And, I did.
Then, came divorce. Since she was my son’s daughter and I was convinced we would
both die, the long battle began ... a battle I never wanted, but was forced to,
after watching for these 3 years.
I just want to relate this one incident that taught me a deep truth. I have
always revered God’s love and, also, wondered at it.
One particular trip for visitation, I had to go alone and God gave me such a
lesson!
Having arrived at the home of her maternal grandparents, my granddaughter began
to cry and beg, and hold on to me. (She always fought going back so hard. We had
to run after her, catch her, and hold her to get her into the car.) This time
her mother was present and it infuriated her.
My granddaughter had locked her legs around my waist and fastened her arms
around my neck. Her mother grabbed her and pulled her viciously from my body. (I
hadn’t known a child that small could hold on so tight.) Then, her mother
spanked her, in front of us, and carried her into the house.
There was a large picture window, inside the house, and this little 3 yr. Old
ran straight to it. With tears streaming down her face and tiny arms stretched
as far open as they would go, she was reaching to the window, with eyes fixed on
me. I can’t even begin to tell you of the pain of those moments.
Getting into the car, I started home. I couldn’t see to drive, as the tears
rolled down my face and I didn’t even wipe them away. My heart was completely
broken, all because of love. We both hurt because we loved each other. I pulled
over several times and, then, back onto the road.
The bend of the road is where I began to tell the Lord I just couldn’t stand it
any more. It stands out, like a beacon, to me, yet, today. I told Him it was as
if every cell in my body was in contractions like unto birth. I just couldn’t
bear it. I loved her so much!
God responded, "I know. That is the way I love every person in the whole world,
everyone that has lived and everyone that will live ... which is the only reason
I could let My Son die the death He did."
All of a sudden, I truly understood God’s love! He had to be God, to hold all
that love and all that hurt. Only God could do it. I always knew God loved us.
But, never before had I understood the depth and greatness - the agony of that
tremendous love.
I do not understand why people don’t seek the most pleasant way, when there are
divorces and disagreements. For, children are the victims of such terrible pain.
Why anyone wants to add one moment of suffering is more than I will ever be able
to understand. But, I do know that, right in the midst of a great heartbreak,
God can bring a message home that can’t be misunderstood.
© 2003 by Joan Clifton Costner
dalox@comteck.com
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