Trust in the Lord, with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know.
Remember the Lord in everything you do, and He will show you the way. Prov.
3:5,6
Darrell stood outside the local pizza parlor, hesitating before he opened the
door. He shook his head as if to clear away his last-minute doubts about this
meeting. Finally, with a sigh, he forced aside his fear, pushed open the door,
and walked into his son's favorite restaurant.
He dreaded this meeting so much that it took all his emotional strength just to
walk inside instead of turning away. Little did he know that within a few hours,
he would experience one of the most positive events of his life.
Darrell had come to meet his 17-year-old son, Charles. Though Darrell loved
Charles deeply, he also knew that of his two boys, Charles was the most
different from him.
With his older son, Larry, communication was never a struggle. They acted and
thought so much alike that they didn't need to talk much. They just did things
together, like hunting or working on their cars. Darrell had always treated
Larry as he did the men at his construction sitesrough. And Larry had always
responded well to-even thrived on-that kind of treatment.
But Charles was a different case. Darrell could tell early on that Charles was
much more sensitive than Larry. Each time Darrell blasted this son to motivate
him like his older brother, Darrell could hear an alarm going off deep inside
himself.
Darrell had received major doses of discipline and distance in his life-the
hard side of love-but only a scant spoonful of warmth and acceptance-love's soft
side. And what little he had been given, he had also measured out to his sons.
It's my job to put clothes on their backs and food on the table; it's their
mother's job to make them feel loved, he told himself over and over. But he
couldn't quite convince himself that that was all there was to being a father.
Darrell knew how deeply he had been hurt by his own dad. And he had seen that
same hurt in Charles's eyes a hundred times.
Darrell knew what a major part of the problem was. Charles had expected-almost
demanded-a close relationship with him over the years. It wasn't enough that
they go hunting together. Charles wanted to talk while they were on the
trip-even while they were hunting!
Only recently had Darrell realized that the sole reason he and Charles were
getting along at the moment was that his son had quit talking to him-altogether!
Just as Darrell had done as a teenager with his own tough father, Charles had
withdrawn to a safe distance and was doing his best to stay out of his dad's
way.
Like many of us, Darrell had been on the run from close relationships. For
years, his wife and son had been pursuing
him. And for as many years, he'd been running away from them, trying to keep a
"comfortable" distance between them.
Then one day Darrell got a clear look at himself during a men's retreat at his
church and the running stopped. That day at the retreat, he came face to face
with the fact that there are two sides of love. Like many men, he had become an
expert on its hard side. He could hand out the spankings, but not reach out to
hug his son. In a heartbeat he could call down a mistake Charles made, but
words of encouragement came up only on a holiday or birthday-if then.
At that men's retreat, Darrell learned that as important as a mother's love is,
children need more. They desperately need their father's wholehearted love as
well.
Darrell was a strong man, both emotionally and physically. Yet as tough as he
fancied himself, one question the speaker asked pierced through to his heart:
"When was the last time you put your arms around your son and told him face to
face that you love him?"
Darrell couldn't think of a "last time." In fact, he couldn't think of a first
time.
He listened as the speaker told him that genuine love has two sides, not just
one. Instantly he realized he had been loving Charles only half heartedly and
that his son needed both sides of love from the same person.
What Charles needed most in a father was a real man who could show him how to
love a wife and family wholeheartedly, not an insecure man who had to hand off
all the warm and loving actions to his wife. Darrell had spent years hard-siding
his son to gain his respect; what he had gained instead was his fear and
resentment. And it was this realization that caused Darrell to talk his son into
meeting him at the local pizza restaurant after football practice one afternoon.
"Hi, Dad," Charles said, shaking hands with his father who had just walked in.
Charles was six foot two and was used to looking down when he greeted people.
But h was looking up to meet his dad's eyes. And although Darrell had turned 51
that same month, he had none c the middle-age spread that most men his age carry
Instead, he still possessed the athletic build that had made him a star on his
high school football team.
"Charles," Darrell said, adjusting his glasses and looking down slightly as he
spoke, "I've been doing a lot o thinking lately. It's been hitting me hard that
this is you last summer at home. You'll be leaving for college soon And along
with the bags of clothing you'll be packing you'll also be taking emotional bags
that, for good or bad I've helped you pack over the years."
Charles was normally the family comedian, but this time, instead of trying to
"lighten up" the conversation, he sat quietly. It wasn't like his father to talk
about their relationship. In fact, it wasn't like him to talk about anything
serious. That's why he was all ears as he listened to his father.
"Son, I'd like to ask you to do something. Think back as far as you can-back to
three years old even-and remember every time I've hurt your feelings and never
made things right; every time I've made you feel unloved or inadequate by
something I've said or done.
"I know we're different people. I can see now that I was always pretty hard on
you. Actually, I was way too tough on you most of the time. I've tried to push
you into being the person I thought you should be. Now I realize I've spent very
little time listening to who you really want to become.
"Feel free to share with me anything I've done that's hurt you, and all I'm
going to do is listen. Then I'd like for us to talk about it, and I want to ask
your forgiveness for each thing you can think of. You don't need to be packing
any extra, negative baggage that I may have given you.
You've got enough ahead of you over the next four years in college without
that."
"I realize there's been a lot of water under the bridgea lot of wasted years."
Taking off his glasses and wiping tears from his eyes, he sighed, then looked
straight at Charles. "We may be here all night," he continued, "and I'm ready
for that. But first, you need to know how much I love you and how proud I am of
you."
Charles had seen the words "I love you" written on birthday and Christmas cards
in his father's handwriting, but this was the first time he had heard them from
his father's lips. He'd learned to expect his father's hardness. Now that Dad
had added softness to his love, Charles didn't know what to say.
"Dad," he stammered, "don't worry about the past. I know you love me." But at
his father's insistence, he put his memory on "rewind" and let his thoughts fly
back across the pictures he'd accumulated from 17 years of being with his dad.
Slowly, as Charles grew more confident that the conversational waters really
were safe, he unloaded years of hurt right at the table. There were the seasons
he spent becoming an outstanding football player to please his father, when all
the time he would rather have been playing soccer.
There was the subtle resentment he had always felt that no matter how hard he
tried, he could never quite live up to his older brother's accomplishments. And
there were the many harsh comments his father had made to motivate him but that
had actually been discouraging and hurtful.
As he recounted to his father each experience, large or small, Charles could see
a genuine softness and sorrow in his dad's eyes. What's more, he heard words of
remorse and healing for even the smallest thing that had left a rough edge on a
memory.
Nearly three hours later, the fruitful conversation finally came to an end. As
Darrell reached for the check, he said, "I know this was quick notice for you to
have to think back on 17 years. So just remember, my door is always open if
there's anything else I need to ask your forgiveness for."
Dinner was over, but a new relationship was just beginning for them. After 17
years of being strangers living under the same roof, they were finally on their
way to finding each other.
Not long ago, television news cameras captured thousands of people cheering as
the Berlin Wall came down after dividing the city for more than 25 years. And
that night in the restaurant, we can just imagine that angels stood all around
and cheered as the first hole in an emotional wall between a father and son was
blown open.
It had been a moving night and an important one for both of them. But as they
stood up, Charles did something that shocked his father.
Several people looked up from tables nearby as a big, strapping football player
reached out and gave his equally strong father a warm bear hug for the first
time in years. With tears in their eyes, those two strong men stood there
holding each other, oblivious to the stares.
Gary Smalley and John Trent
By Gary Smalley and John Trent from Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul.
Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Aubery and Nancy
Mitchell, p. 126-131.
Http://www.chickensoup.com
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