Wonderfully Made

I was supposed to be nothing. That was the plan. At nine years old, my father screamed into my face: "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FAILURE! YOU WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING! YOU'LL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT A NOTHING, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!!!" And I believed him. I forgot that I was created by a Great Loving God, Who "knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

Not wanting to disappoint my father, I worked hard at being a "nothing." I stopped studying for my classes, in school. I stopped dreaming the dreams that often shape our future, and I barely scraped by.

By the time I was in seventh grade, I overheard my parents talking about how wonderful life would be for them, if I had never been born, because, being the youngest, I would be out of the way, and they could follow their dreams. I believed them, and I forgot that even should my mother, who nursed me, forget about me, God, "will never forget [me,] for [He] has carved [me] in the palm of [His] hand." Isaiah 49:15-16a

By the time I was fifteen, my final, ninth grade report card read, "She has incredible 'general knowledge,' but no specific knowledge. She'll never become anything, continuing on this course." I believed my teacher, and I continued on my "worthless" course, reading and studying on my own, everything from history through science, and I began to have much "general knowledge."

I read the Bible, a forbidden book, according to the religion of my childhood, and I began to know the God of the Bible, and His great love for me. Yet, still, I believed I was a failure, even weird. Somewhere, in the midst of that, I began to write and write and write, and I found that with no one to talk to, I began to talk to God. I did not understand, yet, that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14

Years came and went, and darkness was all around me, but there, in the darkness, I found the light of God's presence. Always there. Always comforting. Unknowing, as I was, God was always with me. I discovered the truth about the presence of God in Psalm 139:7-12,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.'"

I discovered that even if I did not know God, He knew me. There was much darkness in my life. I had no one to believe in me, but somehow, by the grace of God, I knew that God believed in me. I stumbled through many a "valley of the shadow of death," ( Psalm 23) and I discovered that I could not run from God. He was always with me. I discovered that in being hurt, I could seek to heal others. In being lonely, I could reach out and erase another's loneliness. In believing myself to be a failure, I could encourage others to succeed. I could be a woman of honor. A woman of truth. I could change my course. And when I wrote, as I did from an early age, I could write about hope.

I wish I had known God from the beginning. I wish that instead of a "religious" home, I had grown up in a Godly one. I wish that in my teens there had been a Michael and Kristi Powers to influence my life, and change my course. However, even though I remember, painfully, my lonely teenage years, I can testify, that my present happiness and fulfillment came from no one, except God.

For, you see, it is God who brought me into the pleasant pasture of my middle years. I can look to no one, but Him, for the joys in my life…my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughters, and my precious friends, like Michael and Kristi Powers.

I am an award winning writer. I am completing my first book. I don't expect it to be my last. A lot of people have lent a hand in this process, but God, alone, brought me here. So now, in my world that is so filled with His light, I still look for those opportunities to be alone with God. And as I look back, into my teens, I realize what a great gift it was to spend those lonely nights and days with Him.

Finally, I have learned that the ugly words that others speak about me, say more about them, than they say about me. So do not listen to negativity. Your Heavenly Father declares in His WORD, that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Believe Him. You are wonderful. Totally unique. And God expects great things from you. Expect them from yourself.

Jaye Lewis jlewis@smyth.net

Jaye Lewis is an award winning writer and born again Christian. Jaye writes stories of hope and redemption, and often the miraculous. Jaye lives with her family in the beautiful mountains of southwestern Virginia. Jaye writes every day on her first book, Entertaining Angels. This story "Wonderfully Made" is just one of many that will be included in Jaye's book. Jaye can be emailed at jlewis@smyth.net

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