When will I stop hurting?
"I lost a loved one nearly a year ago. When will I stop
hurting?"
The question was simple but difficult to answer.
She was challenging me. I wanted to help her, but I knew
that only she could answer that question.
Whenever someone writes to tell me about a death, I always
talk about the difficult months ahead. I refer to it as a
"Year of Firsts." The first holiday, birthday, anniversary,
summer picnic or other personal event without that loved
one.
Then there are those little things you never really paid
attention to before, but now find a gaping hole right in the
middle of your day. Like the time they woke up each morning,
how they had their coffee, the sound the door made around
dinner time when they arrived home and the way they said
"hello."
But there was something about this message today that made
me stop and really think about what I needed to say.
Oddly, I decided that the pain she was feeling was a good
thing, but I wasn't sure she wanted to know that.
Here is exactly what I wrote to her:
When will you stop hurting? That is a measure of the love
you shared and how does one measure love? By remembering
them long after they are gone. "Memories" are the shadows of
a life well lived that remain long after the light of their
being has gone out. May you never forget. "Pain" is the echo
of remembering those special moments when all the world
belonged to the both of you. The day will come when the pain
of remembering turns into understanding the privilege of
ever having them in your life at all. Remembering will be a
joy. Although the pain is great at times you are reminded
still, how very much you loved and were loved. May the rest
of your life be a reflection of that love and when your time
comes may your passing cast long shadows for all who loved
you, too.
Bob Perks Bob@BobPerks.com