Shay moved home soon after Ky's death. It was such a blessing to have him with
me but now I could see the grief in his eyes and as well as those of his father.
We were hurting! It would not go away for any of us. It was there and it was
real. I wanted to comfort my boys and my husband and I didn't know how.
I realized one day how I was pushing my loved ones away. I didn't understand
myself.
Then Shay said to me, "Mom I know what you are doing, if you push us away then
if something happens to one of us, it won't hurt so badly."
Oh no, I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt my family. They were hurting
just like me over our loss. Finally we came to a point that we could talk about
Ky. We could talk about our feelings. My sons and husband realized we needed to
talk to each other and share what we were feeling.
I remember the night that I realized my husband and I were just sitting and
staring out in space or at the television, not saying a word to each other. I
realized that this terrible hurt was tearing us apart as a couple. I knew I
could not bear to lose my husband.
I said, "honey you have to talk to me".
He began to share his feelings with me; he had not been doing so because he did
not want me to hurt more. He was a runner and he told me that as he ran by the
spot where Ky died, he talked to him. He knew Ky would not be talking back to
him but he felt better by expressing his feelings in this way. Then I knew that
my husband was as torn to pieces as I was. I knew I must reach out to him and to
love him through his pain. I wasn't the only one hurting.
Knowing I did not want to push anyone of my loved ones out of my life, I began
to share my hurts with them and they did with me. I cannot say if this helped
the pain or not but it kept us close as a family. It took more than a year for
us to be able to say, "I remember being here with Ky". Everywhere we looked we
could think of a time that he had been there with us. It is still very hard to
get picture albums out of the closet and go through the pictures of vacations
and special occasions that we shared as a family.
Through this tragedy, I turned to God like never before. It seemed that after
the funeral, my friends did not know what to say to us. I felt so alone in my
pain. Only a couple of friends even came to see us. The church family did not
know what to do for us, so Ky was not mentioned nor was our grief. If I could
say anything to church leadership it would be to have an ongoing support group
ministry for the grieving. George and I needed help so we turned to a support
group outside our church family. It was not Christ centered and the people there
did not know what to say to us either. They had become friends over a period of
meeting together for three years. They were at the point they could laugh and
enjoy the meeting. They just rehashed the past three years every week. I left as
empty as I was when I came. I knew then that all I needed was God.
I got into His word as soon as I ate my breakfast every day. Sometimes I would
spend an entire day just reading the Bible and talking to Him. It got to the
point that I could feel his presence like he was sitting in the room with me. I
loved it! I felt comforted. My God was so real to me. I had often given my
testimony at churches and I was asked to share my testimony at the Naval Air
Station. I had spoken there before but this time I said no. Months later I was
asked again and I felt the Lord was telling me to share about Ky. I did! Because
I shared my pain, I had many people come to me and share their grief. God has
used my testimony in ways that I never thought possible. If you are grieving
today, don't worry about people meeting the emptiness that you feel, turn to our
Lord Jesus for the only real comfort available. He will never leave you nor
forsake you. I know that he counted every tear that I shed and will continue to
shed. May God bless you, as He has my precious family and me, as you go through
this day, regardless of how you are hurting.
Berthelson, Sarah, He Guides my Path. Dairfax: Xulon Press, 2002, p. 107-110 99.
Sarah's Books "He Guides My Path" and "Just Jesus" may be purchased at: Barnes
And Noble.com, Borders.com and Amazon.com or from Sarah@Berthelson.com If
purchased from Sarah they are $15.00 for both books. This is what she pays for
them. Just send your address to her. Sarah's desire is for all to know the Lord
Jesus Christ in a personal way.
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